And We Call It Love Read online

  to finish a post, so I call my dad and tell him not to come at 7 p.m. I dive back in until a voice startles me: You staying all night? It’s Dion. He laughs at my spooked face. I laugh too. You scared me. I look at the clock. It’s past 9 p.m.—crap. Need a lift? Dion asks.

  Dion Opens

  the car door, and I slide in. He turns over the engine and flicks on the lights. Dion’s presence is a bit hair-raising, and I haven’t decided if it’s good or bad. He catches me staring. You work a lot, he says. I feel the weight in my chest, heavy. Yeah, I say. I focus on the snow outside the window. Do you have fun, too? When I look back, he’s daring me.

  The Streets Are Full of Slush

  but we still make our way toward the lake. The pier is frozen over. Ice hangs in sideways sheets from the gusts of wind that have come off the waves. But the weather is quiet now. And the lights from houses across the water are beautiful. The stars are out, and I never realized I could feel so alive. Before I know it, Dion is climbing over the icy railings out onto the frozen water. Come on, he says. I don’t want him to think I’m scared, so I take a deep breath and climb over, too. The ice is solid beneath our feet, but I still hang onto the railing just in case. Dion offers me a hand.

  To Reach Him

  I have to let go. I have to choose something for myself. I loosen my grip on the cold steel and hover on nothing but water and wishes as I slide between the old and the new. My hand firmly grasps Dion’s, but at that moment, I slip. I go crashing into him, and we both teeter as we try to regain balance. We come up laughing and gasping. When breaths are caught, I realize how close we are. And when he kisses me, I lose my breath again.

  My Parents

  are completely in love with your dad. I don’t know why I say it. All I know is that my heart is still racing, and I can’t catch it. We’re making our way slowly back over the pier. Dion looks to the distant lighthouse. The look on his face is something new and dark. He smirks, then says, Everybody likes my dad until they get to know him. I wait for the explanation, which he gives: He wants everything to be perfect. I know how that feels, I say. He laughs, a biting thing for just a moment, and then asks: Do you?

  Yes

  I say. My parents want me to be this amazing, famous writer. But I just want to write songs and poetry. So do that. Dion shrugs. Parents don’t need to know everything. I chuckle. Obviously you have not met my mother. A moment passes. Come on, Dion says. I’ll take you home.

  I Want to Keep

  all the details of the night for me and my journal. I don’t want to share. But when Dion pulls away, my mother is waiting at the door. Who was that? she wants to know. Irving Mallory’s son. He gave me a ride home. And then I roll my eyes at myself because that’s so obvious. Really? she says. There’s a small smile on her lips. And excitement bursting behind her eyes.

  When Wilson Shows Up

  at my street corner again, I’m shocked. Because it’s somewhat cold now that winter’s setting in. Because it’s just me. I’m really happy, but I don’t know how to tell him without it sounding stupid.

  It’s Only a Matter of Time

  before Mom makes a comment about the extra cash I’ve been sneaking into her stash. You know, honey, she says as she pulls away from the curb. I really appreciate that you’ve been helping out. But I don’t want you to have to worry about money. Mom, I say after a moment, I can help. I’ve been playing guitar— I know, honey, and I’m so proud of your skills. But I don’t want you to get stuck. What she doesn’t get is that the only time I don’t feel stuck is when I play. Promise me, she says. And I do.

  How Do You Do It?

  I ask. Mom looks up from her books, her yellow glasses perched on her nose like a bird about to take flight. Do what? she asks. I take a deep breath, looking for the right way to describe my fears. Say how you really feel, I decide. A small smile touches her lips. I hold my breath, waiting for the secret. It’s different for everyone, she says. I think first you need to find the thing that makes you really tick. Whatever that means.

  A Ding

  from my phone. And it’s Zari. Can I come over? she writes. Something crazy happened. Mom, I ask. Can Zari sleep over? Sure, she says. Maybe we can spend tomorrow together? That sounds great, I say. I text back: Come on over!

  Tell Me

  Clare says as soon as I come in. I’m bursting with news. I have a boyfriend! I say. What? Clare asks. Who? I tell her all about Dion and the lake and the kiss.

  So

  Clare adds, I have a bit of a confession. You like my brother? I say before she does. You knew?! she asks. Like, duh. I laugh. And then we both laugh. After which, she makes another confession: He’s been jamming with me sometimes. Huh. I say. Good for her. Good for him. I think? But I wonder what might happen next.

  Ready to Play?

  Wilson trots up to me after class. He already has his guitar in hand. About that, I start. I’m hearing my mom’s voice, but I don’t know where to start And he looks so darn hopeful.

  The Cold Weather and Snow

  have taken a break, which is lucky for us. When I’m with Wilson, my energy level skyrockets. I think I’m going to tell him that I like him today.

  But First

  we play. Like every time, it feels so natural and so good. When the song is over, I take a breath and try to form the correct words. Wilson, this has been great. And the doozy: I really like you. Not just like. LIKE-like. God, I sound like a fool.

  Wilson Smiles

  and opens his mouth to say something. Then this is what comes out: MOM? Because she has just parked her car in a no-park zone and has slammed the door shut. Her face? Like she’s just eaten a lemon.

  No Son of Mine

  is going to be seen hanging around on street corners with trash, Mrs. Coleman says. Both Wilson and I stare, mouths open. I think he is almost as embarrassed as I am. When he can’t think of something to say, Wilson throws up his hands as a last resort. In the car, she orders. There’s not a whole lot Wilson or I can do. (But I still wish he would have tried.)

  What’s Wrong?

  Mom asks when I walk in the door. She must see my pink eyes and tear-stained cheeks. I tell her all about it: even the part where I broke my promise to her. Mom’s eyebrows knit together. She puts an arm around my shoulders. You know Ms. Coleman and I were in school together? I didn’t. I didn’t know she was from here. Though I can’t see how that matters when I keep messing things up. Mom continues: Rebecca didn’t have a lot growing up. Though you wouldn’t know it to look at her now.

  Some People

  push for perfection, and they only end up pushing people away. I start to tear up again because I want to tell her how: I didn’t say things right. I somehow made Ms. Coleman hate me. And the big one: I only ever seem to mess things up. (Even with Daddy.) Instead, all I say is, Mom, sometimes I can’t stand being me. Oh, honey, she says, I wouldn’t have you change. Not for the world or anything in it. I can’t help thinking— she can’t understand.

  What’s Up?

  Zari videochats me. I wonder what she knows. What Wilson told her. Obviously, not a lot. Split-second decision— I don’t tell her either.

  Mom Is in the Kitchen

  again, with the tiles laid out before her like she might see the future in ceramic. Where are you going? she asks. She doesn’t look up at me. Instead, she moves a piece of tile like she’s playing chess. Dion’s taking me on a date, I say cheerfully. She looks up, finally, and smiles. At last, some good news, she says. I don’t tell her I’m dropping off lyrics to Clare first.

  Dion Has Connections

  That’s the first thing I think when he parks in front of the botanical gardens. And the lights are on for just us. This is amazing, I say between the cactus room and the water lilies. Clare would love this. Her mom is studying plants and stuff, so she’s learned all about these things. Your best friend, Dion says. I’d like to meet her. Sure! I say. Saturday? He shrugs happily. A friend of mine is throwing a party. You and her could c
ome. Sounds great, I say. OH MY GOD. An edible plant room. Think anyone would notice? Zari, he laughs, don’t eat the plants.

  What a Surprise!

  Mom says. She opens the door wide, and there’s no escaping this meeting. Dion Mallory. How nice it is to finally meet you. Please come in. Dad is hanging out in the background Ma’am, Dion says, and we walk in.

  Dion’s All Charm

  and I am lit. Dion is my boyfriend. I always thought the first meeting between a boyfriend and my parents would be awkward. But he has them laughing at his jokes. The really crazy part is that for once in our lives, my parents and I agree on what’s good for me 100 percent.

  I’m at the Mallory Mansion

  before the party. I have just a little bit of work to catch up on. But then we’re off to get Clare and have fun. I hear Dion coming, so I start to put on my coat. Then I also hear his dad, who says, angrily, My son needs to be better than this. The door slams, and there’s Dion, with a markedup paper in his hands. It’s like he’s forgotten I’m supposed to be there. What’s wrong? I ask Dion. None of your business, he says.

  I Feel

  like I’ve done something wrong. My brain is still trying to work it out and how to fix it when Dion snaps, Well, aren’t you coming? Then he shrugs on his coat and hurries past me and out into the winter night.

  I Get Out

  and Clare climbs into the back seat. Clare is a little shy, so I do the talking for her. Come to think of it, Dion’s not really saying much, so I’m speaking for both of them. Anyway, I carry on. Clare goes to school with me over at Mercy. She’s the first person I met when I moved here. Silence so loud you could hear a pin drop.

  The Party Is Not Far

  from the Mallory Mansion. In fact, you can see the house if you look hard through snow-covered trees. I take Clare’s hand as we come up the walk to give her an extra confidence boost. Inside, the beat is pulsing. I feel the pounding down to my toes. Neither Clare nor I know anyone here. Most of the kids go to Westwood, the private school Dion attends. It’s okay, though. We’ll handle it together like always— as best friends.

  I’ll Be Right Back

  Clare says after half an hour. Bathroom break. Can you imagine how big their bathroom must be? I’ll let you know. She grins and walks off. I catch Dion’s eye, and he walks toward me. This is great, I’m starting to say, when he cuts me off: What are you doing? He looks seriously pissed. What do you mean? I ask. Did you come here with me or with your lezzo friend? I stutter. I— I don’t appreciate you making me look stupid, he adds.

  The Party

  could fit in the bathroom. Seriously, the bathtub alone would probably do. I’m still laughing about it. Trying to think of the perfect phrase to amuse Zari. Get your bathing suit, Zar. I’ve found the pool! When I see her face, it’s no laughing matter. She looks like she’s been sucker-punched in the gut. What’s up? I ask, to which she just shrugs. Nothing, she says. I guess I’m just not feeling that well.

  Do You Want to Go Home?

  I ask. She shrugs. Where did Dion go? I ask. Another shrug. Okayyyy. She’s obviously upset. Did something happen between you two? I ask. She forces a smile. Let’s just enjoy ourselves, she says. Maybe she wants to, but all she does for the rest of the night is look around the room like she’s lost.

  When Zari Gets Up

  to refill her drink, I find Dion. He leans against a counter, relaxed, with a group around him. I push myself into the circle of his friends, who part for me like a wave. Do you know what’s going on with Zari? I ask. He shrugs. She seems really upset, I add. It’s obvious he doesn’t care she’s upset, and my temper flares. Before I know it, I’m saying, Look, if you hurt her…you’ll be sorry. The look in his eyes makes my blood turn cold. I walk away, the clear loser in this debate.

  Goodnight

  I call as the car motors away, even though the night was anything but good. The house is dark. I find Mom asleep on the couch, surrounded by towers of books. I wake her up, and as we’re going upstairs she says, Oh yeah. Zari’s mom called while I was at work. Remind me to call her back tomorrow.

  I Think

  about texting Wilson. My finger hovers over the letters on my screen. But then I think about how he hasn’t even made the effort to talk to me.

  The Drive Home

  is quiet because I’m trying to think how to tackle this. Finally, I decide it must be head-on. I want to talk about what happened at the party, I say. Dion shifts gears, and the car jolts forward. Why? he laughs. What you said wasn’t very nice, I say. He looks at me and says, Seriously, Zari? I was JOKING. You need to not take things so personally.

  Oh

  He was joking? I’m uncomfortable until he says, You want to know something? What? I ask. You were by far the most beautiful girl there. I was? People kept asking me who you were. They were jealous when I told them— my girlfriend. I feel the heat rise to my face. He continues: I can’t believe you’re with someone like me.

  He Walks Me

  to my door, and then he kisses me. Our breathing slows down, playing off one another’s. The world seems to slip away. And I feel like I’m drifting right out into space. When I get inside, I feel so drained. I know it was me being silly because everything is fine. Still, I’m too tired even to write.

  I Hear Mom’s Anger

  from my bedroom from the top of the stairs from the door of the kitchen where I see her inside the room, pacing. Phone crammed to her ear and jaw clenched. Rebecca, I trust my daughter, and she doesn’t need behavioral help. She hangs up and tosses her phone onto the table. That woman, she says. She’s really trying to rip you and Zari apart. Now she thinks you’re doing drugs or something. A pause. You’re not, right? MOM, I say. No. I’m not doing drugs. I’m not addicted to anything...except playing guitar. She smiles. Good.

  Mom Asks

  me to get Wilson for dinner. Strange. Trudge, trudge up the stairs I knock, knock on the door. Yeah? he asks, grumpy. Dinnertime, I say. I’m not hungry. I know something’s up because he never says that.

  Pushing the Door

  just a bit, I look in. What’s going on? Wilson is sitting in front of his computer screen with his guitar. You know Mom’s forbidden Clare and me from playing together? I run down the stairs, suddenly fuming. When I get in front of my mother, she is sitting at the kitchen table. What on Earth? she asks. When Wilson comes up behind me, his face set in a straight line, she understands. Oh, is this about that girl? Let me be clear, she says. Clare Martin is not going anywhere in this life— she’s trash.

  But Mom

  we’ve been friends for YEARS. Why, all of a sudden, can’t I hang out with her? She sighs, deep. I was hoping you would be a good influence on her. But that doesn’t seem to be the case. She’s a hoodlum, begging on the streets for change, with that ridiculous pink hair and secondhand clothes. Do you know how that looks? Do you know how WE will look standing next to THAT? I don’t want either of you to see her anymore. And if either of you do, there will be consequences. And that’s final.

  I Can’t Stand

  to look at my mother. So while my brother yells and is yelled at, I leave. The world is white and black with dirty snow, and it melts into the tops of my boots. I walk until I’m at the Mallory Mansion, and I don’t remember making a plan to be there. Dion answers the door when I knock. He wraps his arms around me as I cry into his chest. I can’t believe I have to make the choice between my family and my best friend.

  Grey Skies

  melt into dark night. The wind gusts through the trees. It pushes against the door at the school entrance where Wilson and I have been meeting. I wait, but no one shows up. Finally the janitor tells me I have to leave.

  Mom Has Ordered

  another kitchen cabinet. Dad tries to tell her it’s fine, but she won’t have it. You know your mother, he laughs. She always gets her way. Meanwhile, I am secretly texting Clare at the kitchen counter. The choice I’ve made is Clare. I don’t have any new lyrics for you, but I promise to
hang soon, I text. When I tried to talk to her about my parents, she brushed it off. But it bothers me that I can’t do anything about it. I feel powerless.

  How Are You Two Doing?

  My mother wants to know, nodding toward the phone in my hands. I freak out for a second before I realize she’s asking about Dion. You two make such a cute couple. She grabs a brush and runs it through my hair. You do so well surrounded by the right people.

  When My Parents

  asked me about my schedule for today, I told them I was taking on more and more for my internship. That’s true— I’ve been working a lot. I just don’t always tell them where. When I can swing it, I try to go to Clare’s. Today is one of those days. I have to go to the Mallorys’ quick after school, I text Clare. Then I’ll come over :) I know it’s wrong to lie, but I don’t feel like I have much of a choice.

  I’ve Stopped

  asking Zari when we’re going to hang out. I know she’s been trying. The whole thing is stupid. But what am I supposed to do against her mom? So when Zari texts me, I actually get butterflies in my stomach because I’m so excited.

  You Can’t

  That’s what Dion says when I’m putting on my coat to leave. What? I ask. You promised me last week you would help me with the English essay. Okay, I kind of remember talking about it. But I don’t remember him ever asking for help. My phone chimes. Clare, with a smiley face. I don’t think I can do it without you, he says.